Suicide, boys and sex changes
by Bring.Solin.The.Horizon
Summary: Mikan goes to a boys school disguised as a guy after seeing a tonne of hot guys on the bus.She is mostly obsessed with an especially hot guy natsume ...based on real life....Dont ask which bits are real! :D Please read and review x
1. Chapter 1

*Sigh*….

….

"Do I have to??????"

"Yes, it's too far to walk and the police have got my license, I'm sorry Mikan"

Urrrgghhh!! This is soooooo unfair!! I inwardly groaned. . "Whatever…."

"I'm sorry" my mum repeated. I couldn't think of a response quick enough, "come on, you've got to get going" she said literally pushing me out of the door. "I'm going" I muttered. This wasn't going to be fun I predicted while walking to the bus stop -which by the way is miles away. I have to start getting the bus to school, all my friends have taken the bus for years and for any _normal_ girl this wouldn't be a problem, but I hated it. Let me explain.

Getting the bus would mean walking miles before and after school and occasionally running if I was late (which I knew I almost always would be) I'm a pretty lazy person and it should be an official law that I don't have to run. (A/N: It's not actually miles but it feels like it….lazy Mikan!)

Its winter and its FREEZING!! People would think I look like a dyke in my scarf (woo French-ness!) and my big extra puffy coat which makes me look mega fat .

I'm small and weak; if someone picked a fight with me (and they most probably will) I wouldn't be able to defend myself. Plus I'm UBER claustrophobic and I've heard the bus gets pretty cramped most days.

I breathed out deeply, this is possibly the worst news I've had all week. Wait scratch that, this should be the least of my worries, what with everything else going on, so why is it bugging me so much? Anyways….like I mentioned there's a lot of bad stuff going on in my life. I don't have enough time….or patience for that matter (A/N: lazy, lazy Mikan!) to list all of my problems so instead I'll just write the main things that are making my life hell.

Firstly, I _keep_ getting in trouble, it's not fucking fair, and everyone else can get away with anything but when it comes to me… Hmmph . Normally, this wouldn't bother me but I have gotten in loads of trouble lately and my mum is really disappointed in me, I can't let her down, especially not after my dad's death….she needs me more than ever. The other bad thing about getting in trouble is that if I keep getting in trouble, I'll be put in isolation and then I won't be able to pass my exams, I won't be able to go to college and I won't be able to _finally_ pursue my dream of becoming a writer….Stupid huh? I'd have more lucky becoming an Olympic gold medallist *snorts*

Secondly, my mum and big sister keep telling me I should change. It's not fair, why won't they just leave me be? I like to dress in black….so what? I wear other colours too (mostly neon because neon colours rock! XD). I wear eyeliner, big deal. I have my own style GET OVER IT!!!!! I should be congratulated for being unique, not put down like this. I can't help but think I have to be two different people: one to please my family and one to please myself. I don't like arguing, especially not with loved ones so I just take all of their nasty comments (especially my sister's) and I put up with it, all the suppressed anger is bottled up and then taken out on myself when no one's around, in the form of cuts and slits.

Thirdly, I almost blew the BIGGEST secret in the WORLD. It almost ruined my whole entire life, I had to lie to try to get myself out of it and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for lying and I hate myself for bringing it up in the first place. Especially to those….those chavs .

Story made short: I took 4 paracetamols one break time, some chavs asked what was up, I blurted out I was depressed. They asked why, I blurted out that my parents abused me. They went and told a teacher now I'm in big shit and soon, I could get separated from my family. I told the chavs it wasn't true and that they HAD to go tell the teacher that it wasn't true and now… I feel like trash because the chavs keep calling me a liar and are threatening to tell everyone what I said, my mum still has no idea what's going on, I'd hate to have her find out, she would feel so betrayed.

So yeah… My life sucks and that's just the beginning. I've contemplated suicide many times but I can't do it to my mum, I just love her too much.


	2. On the Bus

I stared at my watch, 7:30; the bus should be here any minute. I pulled out my oyster card and walked towards the curb.

I waited, and looked and waited and looked and freaking waited some more. URGGHHHH!! Hurry up already!! What if I was at the wrong stop or something? Knowing me it's not that hard to believe.

I'm totally clumsy and I always stuff things up, my mum always complains about how I never do anything right and then laughs and hugs me. I feel really patronised when she does that .

"Finally!" I said aloud as the bus came to a stop. So I am in the right place, that's a good start. I had already planned what I would do. I was going to keep my head down and not look at anyone; I would sit in an empty seat and I would always keep my eyes on the window so that I don't miss my stop. I figured that as long as I followed these rules I should be fine and stay out of trouble.

I got onto the bus, pressed my oyster card against the yellow thing-a-majig and sat down. Obviously, this early on in the morning there were loads of free spaces so I sat right by the doors so I could get out immediately at my stop. It should be illegal to have to get up this early! It seemed like the whole of the world was still asleep. It's so unfair!!

The bus ride was long and boring, I could hear some girls in the back laughing and talking happily (and extra loudly) to each other, I turned to face them, they went to my school. I recognised one of the girls; it was the one who always tried to trip me in the canteen. Bitch. As far as I was concerned she was nothing but a chav, I should have expected nothing less from her.

When the bus finally came to a stop I got up and out of it as soon as humanly possible for me. I walked to my next stop and then began waiting for the next bus. Naturally, it took forever to come-stupid freaking buses!-

I kept my head down as the bus stopped by me and as I got into the bus. The most likely place for me to get into trouble was the second bus because it was a school bus, but not just any school bus it was the Graham Park school bus.

Graham Park is the worst all-boy's school in the history of….well…ever. There were a tonne of horrible rumours about what went on in the school. Rumours that sent chills through your spines, I tried not to believe them but there's a small part of me that does. I pressed my card and struggled through the mass of people to stand by the door. Just as I thought I was going to make it without any problems I tripped and fell on one of the boys.

Omg omg omg shit!

"Fuck, I'm SO sorry!!" I cried desperately, I looked up at him to see his reaction. I was surprised to see he was actually laughing and I couldn't help noticing how amazingly gorgeous he was. "It's cool; do you need help getting up?" He asked in an oh-so-sexy voice reaching his arm out to me.

"Uh, sure" I said without bothering to think whether or not I should trust him, I was too taken aback by his appearance. He had dark brown, shoulder length hair that had been straightened and he had the hottest fringe covering one of his hypnotic ruby eyes. "Thanks" I said as I took his hand and pulled myself up.

I suddenly realised how stupid I must have looked, I walked quickly over to the bus doors praying I wouldn't trip over anything on my way.

All through the ride I could feel his eyes on me; I couldn't face looking at him although I really badly wanted to. If every morning would be like this maybe I wouldn't mind getting the bus so much….


	3. Suspension

When I got to school (in a surprisingly good mood) I skipped over to the tennis courts-which is my usually 'hanging out' spot- and went to greet my friends.

"Hiyaa!!!" I said almost bouncing on the spot. "Hey" Hotaru greeted me friendly, "What's up with you? I thought you'd be tearing your hair out or something" She added. "Nope" I said grinning widely. "Why? Do you not have to get the bus anymore?" Ask Sanumi my other friend. "No I still have to get it" I said still grinning. "Who are you and what have you done with Mikan?"

"It's me!! Look basically what happened was, at first it was horrible but then on the second bus-the Graham Park bus- I fell on one of the guys and he was totally hot!" I rushed out happily. "You did what?!? What did he do?" Hotaru asked worriedly. "Nothing, he was really nice, he even helped me up.

They looked at each other doubtfully. "It's true!" I said. "Stay away from that bus, it must be a trick or something" said Sanumi with unnecessary concern. "No way! He's great. Trust me; I know what I'm doing"

"Whatever. Just don't say we didn't warn you" said Hotaru obviously figuring that she couldn't make me change my mind. "I wont I said finally sitting down. The rest of the school day was followed by me replaying the scene in my mind. I got in trouble a few times for missing my name in the registers and for not answering when I was asked something but I didn't honestly care.

"Right, that's it Mikan!" yelled my music teacher snapping me back to reality. "If you're not going to listen then you can go to detention" I was suddenly alert _please don't say after school please, please, please_ I prayed over and over in my mind. "12:30 sharp, you can stay in all lunch" _phew _I smiled secretly to myself.

"Am I going to have to do that young lady?" she asked obviously hoping for a reaction so she could lay into me some more. Whatever. I wasn't going to give her the reaction she craved. I wasn't going to quake in fear at the thought of a whole lunchtime detention.

When will these teachers learn? I'm not like the other kids. An hour outside of the cold and in peace and quiet. A whole hour alone with my thoughts. Yeah I'm terrified "Detention sounds like fun" I said nonchalantly. She didn't buy it. "Well how about detention every lunchtime for the next two weeks?" She asked smirking. She folded her hand across her chest triumphantly. I wasn't going to let her win.

"Sign me up!" I said trying to sound as excited as possible. "Freak!" I heard someone mutter. She did nothing to stop the horrible comment but I didn't care, I wasn't going to back down now. "Okay then I will, see you at lunch" she said frustrated.

I was proud of myself, I hadn't let her bully me like she always did. "Why don't you do everyone a favour and stay home tomorrow? Mikan."

"Your poor mother, she must need a lot of therapy huh Mikan?"

"You're the reason I need ulcer medication Mikan"

I'd heard it all before.

Anyway, I'm not going to let her cut into my thinking time. As soon as she turned to begin writing on the board I went back to day dreaming. "Ahem" I heard her clear her throat irritated. "Are you listening or are you praying you never come into contact with a wooden stake?" she asked. The class filled with laughter. "Actually I'm trying to think of less painful ways to kill myself then through you're lesson" I replied. The laughter now turned in my favour.

I heard the squeak of chairs turning to face me. Most of the class didn't like me but they always found my irrelevance amusing. "That's it, Mikan. I'm sending you to the principal's office, go now, and don't make any stops on the way" she ordered angrily whilst scribbling a note down. If she got any angrier I was sure she would burst a blood vessel.

I got up took the note from her hand and slammed the door on my way out without looking back. I tried to read the note but the writing was so rushed it was difficult to make out. I could just see the words 'disrupted' 'rude' and 'expel'. _Oh crap._

I decided "losing" the note on my way to her office would do no good so I just walked as slowly as possible to the principal's office. She decided to expel me for two weeks as this wasn't the only bad thing I'd done so far this term. _Great!_

I couldn't let my mum find out. No way, she would kill me. _What to do, what to do??? _I thought of this morning and suddenly a flash of inspiration hit me…


	4. Makeover

A/N: Just to let you know that from now on the chapters are going to be a bit longer because otherwise I'll end up with too many! Thanks, and keep reading! x

"Hey Robb, fancy doing me a favour? I'll love you forever" I said hopefully. "Hmm…What do you need?" he asked. "Well…" I began. I wasn't totally sure what I wanted I just rushed to call him.

"The thing is, I got suspended from school for two weeks and I don't want my mum to find out so I was hoping you could get me into your school somehow and I could tell her they transferred me for a while for some reason or another" I said. There was a pause. "Please?" I added as an afterthought.

"Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight, _you _want to go to Graham Park? No way, I won't let you. You'll get eaten alive, you're a girl and the guys here are insane. Besides how do you expect to get in?" he asked.

"A girl…hmm…Robb I've got it, you're into doing makeovers right? How's about you help out your bestest friend in the world by making her look like a guy?" He snorted. "I'm not that good!"

"But you _are_ that good, Robb you're amazing, please just try. If it doesn't work I promise I'll stop bugging you" I pleaded desperately. "Okay come over after school, I'll see what I can do" "Thanks Robb, you're the best!" I squeaked excited. "I know, I know" he said arrogantly. I rolled my eyes. Even though he's gay, he's still a total boy.

_This is the greatest idea had! _Not only will my mum not find out about the suspension but I will also be able to be with _him. _I wasn't going to lie to myself, part of me only wanted to do this because of the guy on the bus but I win in more than one way which just added to the sweet, sweet feeling I had.

"This is by far the _stupidest_ idea you've ever had!" said Sanumi as I told her my plan during the five minute break between 4th and 5th lesson. "No, you're only saying that because I haven't had enough time to explain it properly. I know what I'm doing. Trust me, nothing can go wrong.

"How many times have I heard you say that eh?" she asked doubtfully. I glared at her "it's different this time". She sighed. "I'll fill you in on all the details at lunchtime" I paused to think "or maybe not….I've got detention with Miss Lowing."

"I'll call you later" I said as we both went our separate ways to get to our next lesson. The rest of the day dragged on slowly but mostly because I was beginning to forget the scene on the bus.

As soon as the last bell of the day went I grabbed my bag and ran for the door. "Wait Mikan, I haven't dismissed the class yet, the bell isn't to let you know it's time to go, it's to let me know to get finished up."

_Screw that._ I was already in trouble, what would walking out of class matter? "See ya sir!" I called back as I walked out. I didn't particularly like being a nuisance but I wanted to see Robb as soon as I could. I jumped onto the early bus and rode to Robb's place. Robb had been one of my best friends since I was about six. He was just amazing. The nicest guy ever. He could be a tease but he was always there for me.

If it wasn't for him I most probably wouldn't be here right now. I'd either be dead or in juvenile. When I got to his house I ran through his (huge) front garden and knocked on the door more times that needed. Graham Park boys are let out earlier than my school so I knew he was home.

He opened the door while I was still knocking impatiently; I ended up knocking in his face! "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" He laughed. "Its okay, do you want to come in or shall we stay here so you can punch me for a little longer?" _Tough decision_. "I'll come in" I said smiling apologetically. "Right, so ummm…how are we going to do this?" he asked.

I went up to his room to see he had already he already had everything set up. I smiled. I can always count on him. "I don't know, just do you're stuff and we'll see what happens. There's one more problem though, it's not just enough to look like a guy I need to speak and act like one too"

"And you want _my_ advice on how to act like a guy?" he asked raising one eyebrow. _Damn it!_ I obviously hadn't thought this through as well as I thought I had. I mean, Robb, a cross-dressing gay guy. I could have slapped myself. If he didn't have his balls he would be the perfect girl. "Well you hang out with guys don't you? Just teach me to be like them" I said desperately.

"I'll do my best" he said sighing. "What?!?" I demanded. "What?" he asked clueless. "Everyone's being sighing at me today. Why doesn't anybody take me seriously?". "Mikan, you're clever but honestly, you lack common sense" he replied shaking his head. "I do not!" I said defensively. "You do!" he said back, ready to argue like this for hours (believe me we have before, we even spend hours on those stupid "you hang up" "no you hang up" conversations. "I don't have time to argue with you Robb; I have a lot to learn and not long to learn so make me over!"

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked. "Positive" I said smiling smugly. He put a towel over my shoulders and reached to his scissor draw. "Woah, woah, woah! What do you think you're doing?" I asked. "You want to look like a guy right? Well guys don't have hair like that" he said as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm not parting with my hair" I said taking the towel off my shoulders. "Well what do you want me to do then?" he asked confused. "Haven't you got a wig or something?" I asked. "Uhh… sure" he said chuckling. He went into the other room and came back a little while later with something behind his hands.

"Let's see it then" I said. He laughed hard. He pulled out from behind his back a big curly mess of hair. It took me a while to realise that it was the multi-coloured clown wig he'd worn for Halloween. "You what?!! I'm not wearing that thing!" I said. "It's the only wig I've got, but don't worry, I can pimp it up for you." "I doubt that" I replied. "Have some faith in me. If you don't like the end result we'll go out and buy you a wig okay?" He said.

I realised how rude I must have sounded before. "I'm sorry Robb. I trust you" I said guiltily. "Good" he replied putting the wig on my head. "Now close your eyes and don't open them until I'm done." "Okay" I said taking a deep breath. I wasn't a bit scared.

… "Okay, now open you're eyes" he said after what felt like 10 minutes. I opened them and I looked in the mirror. I saw no reflection, just Robb and presumably one of his friends from school. _What's going on?_ "Hey Robb who's you're friend? I asked but as my lips moved so did the guy in the mirrors'. I walked further backwards to see my body. "Look in the full length mirror if you want" he said casually. I walked over to the full length mirror and stared in shock and amazement.

Everything from my neck upwards looked exactly like a boy. My face was almost unrecognisable. "Wow! What did you do to me?" I asked. "Eh…nothing too difficult, I died and straightened the wig and put some make up on your face that's all" "That's all?!? Robb I love you!" I screamed, giving him the biggest hug of his life.

"Of course you do" he said smiling smugly. "Now all we need is to get you talking like a boy." "Oh I should do well at this, I've been mentally practising" I informed him. "Go on then, say something" he replied. "This is my masculine voice" I said in the deepest tone I could conjure up. I thought I was pretty convincing. Robb thought otherwise.

He shook his head and said "This is gonna take some practise…"


	5. Graham Park

(Several hours later)

"…Perfect" Robb said proudly, patting me on the head. "I'm not a dog!" I said smacking his hand away from my head. He lay on his bed tiredly. He yawned, it was only then that I realised how good looking he was.

His big blue eyes stared at me. My eyes were locked on his for what seemed like an eternity _look away already baka! _ It seemed Robb had the same thought, he turned to his left and we both laughed awkwardly. _What the hell was that?_

"So ummm… I start on Monday right?" I asked going over the plan. "Yeah, there's this new kid joining our school but he's not coming for another two weeks, all you have to do is pretend to be him and claim you came early" he replied. "What happens when they find out I'm not really him?" I asked, though I didn't honestly want to know the answer. "I'm not sure exactly but they can't do anything too bad" he said comfortingly.

Suddenly, my phone rang and I jumped at the unexpected sound of my ring tone. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and answered. "Hello? I'm at Robb's. Now? Do I have to? Fine. Yeah, bye" Robb looked at my blankly. "That was my mum, I've got to get home" I explained. "Oh okay well see ya" he replied. I couldn't read the expression on his face, I think he seemed a little disappointed but I couldn't be sure. "See ya" I replied, keeping my voice normal.

When I got home it was well past eleven. My mum had a huge go at me and gave me a lecture on 'responsibility'. I apologised sincerely and changed the subject by telling her about the school exchange thing. She seemed to believe me so there was no problem there but I began to feel horribly guilty for lying to her. Then I thought of how she would react if I told her the truth and that eased the guilt a little. I tried to drown out my thoughts as I went up to bed.

The rest of the weekend was spent practising speaking like a boy, watching boys play football through my window and going around town to listen in on groups of boys making conversation.

…

"Are you ready for this?" Robb asked as I stared through the maximum-security, steel gates that would inevitably lead to hell. I gulped.

The school looked terrifying. It was an old Victorian style building with a massive playing field and lots of small blocks based around the main one in the middle. All over the walls there was graffiti and splattered blood. On the field there was a stampede of boys chasing after a little blond boy who was running for his life.

The ground was plastered with gum (some of which had not dried) I could barely make out the colour of the ground. And the two sets of doors on either side of the main building were just as uninviting, the once painted-green wood had long rubbed off and they were a pale, cream colour and the handle on one of the doors was missing. I stood in front of the school not moving an inch.

"This was a mistake" I squeaked. "It's not as bad as it looks" Robb said giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. I wasn't even aware he was holding it before then. "They were chasing a little boy, is that not bad to you?" I asked turning to point at the kid that I saw running. He was nowhere to be seen but the huge mob of boys were still there. _He's probably mince meat now._ "Oh that's just a game some of the juniors like to play" he explained calmly. "Those are j-j-juniors?" I stuttered. _Oh crap._ "Sure, its just harmless fun" He looked at my expression. "Don't worry, the seniors aren't much taller, most of them have stopped growing now anyway" he said. I obviously didn't seem convinced "It'll be fine!" he said patiently.

"Come on lets go inside" he said pulling me towards the entrance and leaving me with little choice. There was a voice in my head telling me I shouldn't follow him. I did.

I rolled my eyes. _Stupid brain; you should know by now I never listen to what you tell me to do._

Robb lead me inside the school and into the doors on the left of the main building. "We need to let the office know you're here. Oh, by the way you're name is Zasuke" he added. "Zasuke" I repeated nervously. We went into the office and Robb did all the speaking. I nodded when appropriate but I was too caught in worry to take much notice of what was being said and what was going on. "We can go now!" said Robb already half way out of the door. "Right" I said following him.

"Is it that terrifying?" he asked handing me my new planner as we walked through the seemingly endless corridors. I didn't answer but I glared at him for a little while. He chuckled. "You'll get used to it eventually".

After a while of walking, we entered another building labelled 'science block'. It looked odd, surprisingly untouched. It was obviously new. Robb lead me underneath the staircase were a bunch of boys were casually talking. _This seems safe_. Robb cleared his throat loudly to get everybody's attention "Everyone, this is Zasuke, Zasuke, meet my friends" "Hi" I said nervously trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

"Sup?" one of the boys asked, I looked up and I could feel my eyes widening. _Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. This can't be real! _I rubbed my eyes and looked again but he was still there. My eyes weren't deceiving me. It was really _him. _The guy I met on the bus just a few days ago was really here.

That's when I realised everyone was staring at me expectantly. "Oh sorry, umm, nothing really you?" I asked embarrassed. Robb just smiled at me. "Do you wanna sit down?" he asked patting the ground next to him. "This is Corey" he said pointing to a boy who was slightly overweight but quite cute in a way. "Nice to meet you" I said shaking his hand.

"And this is Darume" he said pointing to a very skinny, tall boy with long platinum blonde hair and a big fringe which almost covered both eyes, he too was pretty good looking. I shook his hand "Everyone calls me stilts so you don't need to bother remembering my real name" he said as he let go of my hand. "Cool" I replied smiling at him.

"And this is Natsume" Robb said pointing to the most attractive boy there. _So that's his name_. I shook his hand and felt an impenetrable rush of pleasure at being so close to him and feeling his skin-without falling on him! The shake lasted a little longer than necessary and we both pulled our hands away apologetically.

I missed the other two names of his friends because my brain had gone into shock after the physical contact between me and the boy I had not stopped thinking about since I first met him. "Could you let me see your time table?" Robb asked when he was done introducing me to his friends. I stared at him blankly. "In your planner" Natsume hinted. "I knew that". I opened my bag and gave Robb my planner.

I saw a frustrated look on his face. "You're lucky" he said through gritted teeth. "You've got Natsume in most of you're lessons". _Woohoo! _As I was internally celebrating I felt a tang of guilt for Robb. He probably wanted to be the one to help me out. The bell rang. I sighed. _Nothing I can do about it now. _Before the group separated, Robb asked everyone to look out for me. Everyone walked off in their separate directions. "Where am I going?" I asked Robb. "Follow me, you're in my form" he said slightly happily.

We went to what seemed like the other side of the school; I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going, God forbid I ever attempt to get to any of my classes alone. Around us, the rest of the school was descending into chaos, there were boys running in every direction, finishing what I hoped were cigarettes and wrestling in the mud. When we got to our form room it was no wonder we were late. All of the boys were dead silent and well behaved. _What the hell is going on?_

Robb opened the door and lead me into the room, I was amazed. Every single boy was perfectly still; you'd have never thought this was Graham Park in a million years. _No way_. What's going on? I noticed they were all staring towards the front; my gaze followed there's and lead me to the teacher who was staring at me and Robb. Then I realised why they were all acting like this. The teacher was young and beautiful. She had perfect blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and a slim figure. Her outfit didn't leave much to the imagination, she was wearing an incredibly tight shirt with one too many buttons undone and a short pencil skirt.

She smiled friendlily. "Robb, I know it's difficult but could you at least try to be on time for registration? Just once?" I looked at her; she couldn't possibly be a teacher. Could she? I looked at Robb who (thankfully) was the only boy in the room not gawking at her. "Sorry Mrs" he replied shrugging casually. She sighed "What am I going to do with you?"

She turned her attention to me, still really friendly. "Who's this?" she asked addressing the question to Robb. "I'm Zasuke, I'm new here" I said. "Right well welcome to Graham Park" she said smiling. "Boy's welcome Zasuke" she instructed. "Welcome" they all said their voices almost zombie-like. They didn't even look at me, they were all hypnotised by her. "Are they always like this?" I whispered to Robb. "Only when she's here" he whispered back taking a seat.

I sat in the chair next to him. I didn't realise how little I understood boy's till then.


	6. Depression

Registration was strange. Mrs Greenford (our form tutor) stayed annoyingly cheery and happy while my guts were breaking down on me. I didn't want to think about all the terror that lay ahead. I didn't want to have a nervous breakdown. Instead I pictured Natsume's sweet face. His slightly round jaw line and the eyes I went mad for.

When registration ended, the boys all got out of their desks as slowly as possible. Robb rolled his eyes at them. "Come on" he said opening the door for me. On my way out I saw Mrs Greenford wink at me. _What the hell was that?_ I shook my head. I'd obviously imagined it.

Robb walked me to my first class (ICT) and told me if I needed anything to call him. He also made sure I sit next to Natsume, just in case someone tries to talk to me. I agreed without complaint. As soon as he left I felt sick and so scared. _No one's ever going to fall for it. They're not that stupid. What am I thinking?_

"Are you coming in?" a tall, man that looked like he was in his early thirties asked. He didn't look very intimidating, that kind of comforted me in a way I couldn't understand. "I'm Mr Taraun, your ICT teacher. You're new right? He said extending his hand to me. I shook it nervously. "Umm…yeah, I'm Zasuke." I replied quietly. "Well Zasuke, get in and sit wherever you like, you might want to hurry, the best computers always get taken first" he said pushing me into the room.

I searched the room for Natsume, I was worried he hadn't made it yet but then I heard him call me over. The butterflies marched in my stomach. _Oh my God!_ I walked up to the computer next to him and sat quickly in case anyone else suddenly decided they wanted to sit there.

"Hey umm, sorry for that, I didn't give you much choice did I? You don't have to sit there if you don't want to" he said as I sat down. "I was going to sit here whether you asked me to or not" I replied, smiling at him to show I meant it in a friendly way. _Is this boy crazy? Move? No way! I might even sing a chorus of Hallelujah! _"So what are we meant to be doing?" I asked casually.

"We're supposed to be doing a presentation on drugs and violence and why it's wrong. Nobody does it though; just surf the net, that's what most of us do" he replied. "What about grades?" I asked trying to keep him talking so he wouldn't go back to his computer. "The teacher gives us a grade at the end of the year based on a test, this work is just to keep us busy.

Someone learnt that a little while ago and it quickly spread through the school. Now nobody does any work in ICT" he said chuckling. "Nice one" I said holding my hand up for a high five. He slapped my hand hard and I held on for a second too long. I quickly moved my hand away. "Sorry" I mumbled. "Don't worry about it" he said although he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the lesson. His eyes stayed glued to his screen.

_Well done. You've blown it now. Baka baka baka!!!! _I mentally kicked myself. "Why is everything in life so complicated?" I thought aloud. _Damn it I wasn't supposed to say that! _Natsume sighed "tell me about it!" I inwardly groaned. He _hates_ me!

The rest of ICT was slow and painful torture, Mr Taraun came to check on me half way through the lesson and the rest was spent feeling sorry for myself. I was sure I'd totally blown it but at the end of the lesson Natsume asked me if I needed help getting to next lesson. "Umm, yeah if you don't mind" I said. "No, of course not, I'm going there anyway" he said.

He lead me to French in silence, he probably thought I was gay or something. _If only he knew the truth_. French was brutal, before the lesson had even started the boys were battering the windows throwing paper balls at people's heads and calling each other swear words I'd never even heard before. The teacher came in and tried to get the boys to settle down but a few of them rammed into her, pushing her to the ground.

Nobody went to help her. As she got up, her knee was badly bruised and she was clutching her wrist. I was horribly worried but there was nothing I could do. I wished I could be bigger and stronger. _Why am I such a wimp?_ "Right, if you boys don't sit down this instant, I'll call in the principal" she shrieked outraged. I was sure that this would have no effect whatsoever on the boys but to my surprise they returned to their seats.

I didn't understand, why would they be scared of the principal? It made no sense. If he scared them so much, I wondered what he'd do to me. I shuddered at the thought, praying I never came into contact with him. "Are you okay?" Natsume asked. It was the first thing he said to me all lesson. "I'm fine" I replied. Note to self: don't shiver too much next time.

The lesson ended all too slowly. It dragged on and on, I actually got told off for looking at the clock too much. I couldn't help laughing when she said that. _Strict much?!? _

When the bell finally went, I plucked up just enough courage to speak to Natsume again "Where are we off to next?" I asked. "It's break, we're going back into our little shelter" he replied and walked ahead of me, leaving me all but running to try to catch up with him.

_What is his problem?_ He seemed fine earlier. What had I done? He glanced back at me every now and then and his face seemed more depressed every time he did. I probably disgusted him. I saw my reflection through the glass "moron" I muttered to myself.

When we got to our little 'shelter' beneath the staircase I saw that the rest of the group were already there. "Hi" I said waving at them all. "Hey" "Yo" "Sup?" were my replies. I sat down next to Robb and Natsume sat next to me. "How has your day been so far? You didn't get too scared did you? Oh God I should have stayed with you" he fussed. I saw the other guys looking at each other confused. "It was fine" I assured him.

"So are you guys like…you know…an item?" one of the boys whose name I didn't know asked. "What?!? No!!" I replied shocked, I was so taken aback I forgot to use my masculine voice, I sounded really high pitched. All eyes were on me. "Sorry, sore throat" I said trying to sound calm. It seemed I'd fooled them because they all resumed their previous chats from before I interrupted; everyone except Robb who was been unusually sulky. "Hey Robb, can I speak to you outside please?" Natsume asked in a husky, urgent voice. "Sure" he mumbled in reply.

They both stepped outside the double doors. I couldn't help but hold my ear to the door to try and hear what they were saying. I was paranoid it would be about me. "What's wrong Zae? Don't trust your boyfriend alone with another boy?" Corey asked jokingly. "He's not my boyfriend" I corrected. "I know, I was only joking, hey you're cool, don't get pissed at me over a stupid comment" "I'm not pissed" "good."

Thanks to the interruption by Corey, I missed half of the conversation. The wall of the door was quite thick so I couldn't hear it fully. "I think I'm turning gay!" said Natsume worried. _Huh?_ I barely heard the reply I think I heard the words 'you' and 'love'. There voices almost a whisper now "…Can't go on like this" That was all I needed to hear. Suddenly, the whole room around me was spinning. There was no remaining reason for me to live. My whole life had been taken away from me just like that.

It all made perfect sense, Robb and Natsume were together so when I held on to Natsume's hand he felt like he was betraying Robb. I began to feel light headed and my heart was breaking on the spot. I burst into tears and stormed through the double doors, running as far away from possible as anything.

I found a deserted, desolate hiding place beneath a broken building; the geography block I think. I wasn't surprised it was empty. It wasn't a great place to sit as it was very muddy but I was pretty much shaded from the rest of the school which was all I really wanted right now.

I poured my heart out; I cried and cried until I couldn't cry any more. My lungs were weak and I was breathing short, slow breathes. It was always this way-my love was always unrequited, always one way- nobody would ever love me. Why would they? I'm nothing, totally useless. I'm trash.


	7. Alone in the world

_They say depression makes you see everything in a negative light. I disagree. It makes you see things for what they are. It makes you take off the fucking rose-tinted glasses and look around and see the world as it really is- cruel, harsh and unfair. It makes you see people in their true colours- shallow, stupid, self absorbed, ungrateful…etc. All that ridiculous optimism, life's-what-you-make-it. It's all just words. Empty words. _

_It's whether you choose to believe it or not that counts. _

Once I was all cried out, I assessed my options for what to do next.

Option 1: Go back and act like nothing happened.

Option 2: Stop pretending, give up and go home.

I knew which option I preferred but I couldn't do it. One of the reasons I did this in the first place was because I didn't want my mum finding out I reminded myself.

_Do you know what? Forget the others, I can do this alone. _

_Fuck the pain,_

_Fuck the past_

_Fuck their relationship._

I don't need them. I sure as hell don't. I don't… so why can't I stop thinking about them?_ Hmmph._

I forced myself to think about something else, anything. It was difficult at first but I managed it after a while. How long had I been here? I switched my phone on to check the time. I had a gazillion texts and missed calls from Robb and his gang. I ignored them all and looked at the time. 15:11. Wow. I hadn't realised I'd been here for so long.

With just four minutes left till school was out, I thought I might as well get a head start and get onto the first bus. I'd have more chance or avoiding _them_ if I did. I wasn't totally sure of the way and after two wrong turns and slimly avoiding a collision with a brick wall, I found the bus stop.

After all the confusion of directions, I was pretty late and everyone else had already been dismissed. _Shit. _I got onto the third bus feeling a bit sick. Most of the chairs were already occupied so I leant against the side of the bus. I didn't see any sign of _them_ so that calmed my nerves a little bit but when the bus doors closed I was thanking the heavens.

Suddenly, I heard a stampede of footsteps coming down the stairs from the top deck. I saw a flash of Natsume's hair and my heart sank. I tried to get off the bus but it was too crowded and by now Robb had spotted me and was making his way over to me. "What happened? Did someone say something?" he asked. I have to say, I'd never seen him so unattractive. He looked terrified and his eyes had a red outline as if he had been crying.

Why would he cry? I wandered to myself. He had everything, an awesome boyfriend, good looks, acceptance for being gay. I suddenly envied him like mad. He had just about everything I wanted (apart from the acceptance thing but that's still a bonus) and he still was unhappy. "Leave me the fuck alone!" I said pushing past every guy on the bus and pressing the 'emergency open door' button, the door opened as the bus was still driving down a busy street. "Wait!" Robb called.

I jumped off the bus.

I managed to land on my feet but I had lost balance. The car in front of me missed hitting me by inches. The angry driver honked his horn. "Piss off!" I yelled giving the driver the finger. I walked over to the pavement and decided to walk the rest of the way home. I could see Robb banging on the windows of the bus and as it disappeared from view, he disappeared from my thoughts.

_How the hell am I supposed to get home now?_ I knew the way roughly but it was really far. I could wait for another bus but it was freezing so I walked and walked and walked. By the time I got home I collapsed on the couch and had a painful stitch. "What's wrong, honey?" my mum asked. I couldn't possible tell her the truth. "The bus broke down so I had to walk" I said. I couldn't stand not telling her the truth so I went upstairs and locked myself in my room.

I left the light off; the darkness was kind of comforting for some reason. I played songs as loud as they would go so I couldn't hear my thoughts. I kept focused on the music, remembering to skip the songs that had anything to do with love. I listened to aggressive songs like 'waking the demon' by Bullet for My Valentine. Well… I did until I remembered the name of the band. It was difficult to forget him when almost everything reminded me of Natsume. 

I had to do something to take my mind off things. Anything, but nothing came to mind. I felt my way in the dark to my bed. I lay on it, staring at the ceiling. It was a plain white colour. It looked empty and slightly eerie in the dark. I sat like that for a while but my eyes were stinging from all the crying I had done earlier. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into unconsciousness. I slept for quite a few hours before my mum came in with a tray of food. "Mikan? Let me in" she said knocking on my door.

I groaned. "Can't. Tired. Walked all the way home" I reminded her tiredly. "Okay well, I'll leave you're tray outside your room. Make sure you eat it all" I grunted in response. That's one thing I loved about my mum, she knew when to leave me alone.

I didn't leave my room all night. I just stayed in bed sleeping. It was the easiest time to forget everything. I was scared when my alarm rang telling me to wake up. I was still extremely tired as if last night hadn't counted. I dragged myself out of bed and the first thing I saw was my reflection in the mirror. I looked almost as awful as I felt. My eyes were bloodshot and they had deep bruise like shadows beneath them. My hair was a mess, my skin was really pale and I generally looked tired.

I looked about four years older than my actual age; it must have been from all the depression and tiredness. I didn't want to go to school today but I knew I had to, if I didn't my mum would eventually insist on coming into my room and "talking" to me. I had nowhere to go other than school. I hoped the boring lessons would distract me.

My heart fucking burst into fire when I went to put on Robb's old school uniform (which he lent to me for the time I spent at his school). It was all a reminder. As I put on the wig he made I felt a little guilty.

Robb had been really kind to me through everything and it wasn't his fault Natsume liked him. I was really mean to him and he didn't deserve it. It's funny; just when you think you can't feel any worse something pops up and drags you lower than you thought possible.

School was horrible without anyone there to support me. I missed Robb like mad yet I knew if I approached him, the depression would be too much for me to handle. I tried to drown everything and everyone out.

Robb tried to talk to me several times but I ignored him. He looked upset, heartbroken even and when Natsume tried to speak to me in Drama I totally flipped. "Just leave me the hell alone!" I shouted and stormed out.

I hadn't got in trouble for that…yet but I honestly didn't care if I did. They could tie me to an electric chair and shock me and I wouldn't give a damn. Everything I loved and wanted had already been taken away from me. I just didn't want to have to be the one that kills me.

It's selfish really, wanting to die. I wandered what it would do to my mum and just after my dad's death as well… I shook the thought from my head. There wasn't an ounce of hope left in me. It had all been drained, sucked from me, until it was non-existent. At least I was honest with myself.


	8. Caught Out

A:N/ Hello readers =]

Thanks for all your reviews, especially HarunaNiwa073 who has been reviewing throughout pretty much the whole story.

I've read all the reviews and Irumi, you're right about the eyes, I'm sorry I'll change it a.s.a.p (thanks for telling me, I totally forgot!) and no, they don't meet up every morning, he gave her the wig and the uniform and she gets changed into them at home.

And to Marina: Thanks lol and I would be glad to make them longer for you! (I already sort of tried but it kinda didn't work out as planned, but I'll try harder! XD) Let me know how this chapter is length-wise.

If there's anything else anyone wants (or if I make another mistake) don't hesitate to ask/tell me, I am after all writing this for the readers, not just myself.

Thanks again to everyone x

/A:N

By lunchtime, Robb and his friends had stopped bugging me. I was glad. They finally got the message. They finally left me alone. Yet the feeling was bittersweet, it made me feel no better, but I guess it was an improvement.

I focused as hard as I could in lessons so thoughts couldn't overtake my mind. It wasn't too difficult but every time I heard Natsume's voice my heart sank. I wandered what it would be like when I went back to my original school. I didn't want to be away from him, although he wasn't interested in me, part of me still wanted to be here with him. It was pathetic, I knew it was. But I couldn't help how I felt.

At break-time and lunchtimes I went to the library and read stupid, meaningless things. The books all sucked. I sat in the library every day reading "Captain Under-Pants" There was never really anyone in the library and I was grateful for that fact. I didn't want to get picked on for being a geek.

I called Sanumi and Hotaru every now and then, pretending things were great because I knew if I didn't they would never stop saying "I told you so."

By Thursday, I had read every single adventure of Captain Under-Pants. I was stuck for something else to do. I noticed an acoustic guitar at the back of the room; I had walked past it several times but didn't think much of it.

Now that I thought about it, I wandered why someone hadn't claimed it or something. I walked over to the librarians' desk. "What's the deal with that guitar?" I asked the librarian whose face was half covered by a computer screen.

"It's been there for ages, nobody really knows who it belongs to, take it if you want. I'd be glad to get rid of it. It gets on my nerves." The librarian replied, putting his feet up on the desk.

_Hmm…That's not a bad idea…_

"Have you got any books on how to play the guitar?" I asked. "No, sorry" he said. "Oh." He stared at me for a bit. "Tell you what, why don't I teach you?" he asked. "What? For real?" I asked doubtfully. "Sure, I've nothing better to do" he replied standing up to get the guitar.

Now that I saw his whole face he looked pretty attractive, he reminded me quite a lot of Natsume only his face was more mature and he was a lot more muscular. He seemed way too young to be a librarian. "How come's you're a librarian?" I asked interested.

"God, you're one nosey kid!" He replied chuckling. "I'm Kai. I'm a sixth former, I did a bit of drunk joy-riding in the vice principals car and they're making me do this every lunchtime for the rest of the year as punishment" he said. I raised one eyebrow.

"Did I mention it was a jaguar and it got crushed to a pulp?" he asked. "Oh right, that makes sense" I said smiling at him. "Does it? I'm bored fucking stupid here, and none of my friends are allowed in and I still have to find a way to pay for half the price of the jaguar. I might have to give up my college funds" He moaned whilst tuning the guitar.

"Oh. Well, only a few months left of this 'librarian' crap" I said. Then I realised how unhelpful that comment was. He narrowed his eyes at me, I couldn't help but laugh. "You're pretty when you laugh" he said to me. "Excuse me?" I asked. "Do you expect me to believe you're actually a guy?" he asked. "Give me some credit, jeez!" he said melodramatically. "So what's your real name? Why are you here?" he asked.

"Now who's being nosey?" I asked. For some reason, it didn't bother me that he knew. It was strange but I had a feeling I could trust him. Stupid of me really, I'd only just met him but looking into his eyes I could just trust him. It's hard to explain.

I ended up telling him everything while he taught me how to hold the guitar which to my embarrassment took quite a while. "Perfect" he said interrupting me. I paused telling my story. "Carry on…" he pushed.

…

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, listen though, you're a great girl, don't ever think otherwise" he said sympathetically. "It doesn't matter what I think, I still won't get him to like me" I muttered.

"Well he's stupid, they all are" he said. I held out my arms for a hug. He put his arms around me awkwardly. "Sorry, I forgot I'm supposed to be a guy" I said as I pulled away. But it felt good. It made me feel better, safe…

I jumped as the bell went. "Aww, you never got a chance to teach me to play" I moaned. "Don't worry, leave it here, I'll teach you tomorrow" he said. "I'm counting on that" I said, _damn it that wasn't supposed to be aloud! _

The next day came faster than usual; I had something to look forward to this time. I'll admit I still wasn't the slightest bit over Natsume but it was nice to know I had a something to occupy my time with.

At break time, I made my way over to the library at a speed that surprised me. I guess it was because of all the walking to and from the bus stop that has made my legs stronger or something. I opened the door to the library and there was Kai in his usual position (back leaning against the comfy computer chair with magazine in hand and feet propped up on the desk) "Heya!" I called waving at him.

A:N/ I know nothing about playing the guitar so if I get anything wrong please don't get pissed off or anything. I'm totally ignorant on this particular subject so please excuse my faults. Thanks x /A:N

"Hey" he replied putting down his magazine. "Ready?" he asked retrieving the guitar. "Sure" I said. I couldn't help but smile. "Okay, do you remember how to hold it?" he asked. "Umm…let me try." He handed me the guitar, I held it just as he showed me yesterday. "Great, now I'll teach you to play a 'D' chord" he said obviously glad we didn't have to go through the whole how-to-hold-a-guitar process again.

"Why D?" I asked. "Cos I like D chords okay?" he replied. "Okay, okay. Fair enough" I said holding up both hands in defeat. "Good" he replied smugly. He played a 'D chord' while the guitar was still in my hands. "Okay now try that" he said letting me take over. He must have been really talented to be able to play without even holding it.

I tried my best but it didn't sound quite right, he adjusted my finger placing and asked me to try again. This time it sounded a little better. "That was good; just try to hold it down for a little longer this time" he said sounding like a real teacher. I tried and this time it sounded a lot like his. "Great, do it again, just like you did it now"…

By the end of break I was feeling great, I felt like I'd accomplished something and I really enjoyed Kai's company. He was really nice and even though I kept making mistakes he never once got annoyed or angry with me. He was patient and funny and he made me forget all my troubles. It reminded me of the relationship I'd once had with Robb. I wandered if we would ever be friends again. Had I just lost one of my best friends?

"What's wrong?" Kai asked. I sighed. "How do you do that!?" I asked agitated. "Do what?" he asked. "You always know when something's up" I clarified. "Oh…I don't know, I guess I'm just good at understanding people" he replied shrugging casually. I glared at him. "So are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?" he asked. I gave in. "Well, it's just that Robb and I have been best friends for ages, and for the past few days I've treated him like shit and well…I don't know if he will ever forgive me" I said upset.

"He will, don't worry" Kai replied. "It just takes time, you know?" he said comfortingly. "Yeah…I guess so" I said feeling a little better. I gave him a hug before he had a chance to stop me. Surprisingly, he hugged me back. We jumped apart as the door opened. _Crap. _ Luckily, it was only a teacher, but I was still really embarrassed and I was sure I was blushing just as badly as Kai was. "Sorry to interrupt boys" a teacher I didn't recognise said in a voice which suggested he was everything but sorry. "I just came to check that you were doing you're job" he snarled to Kai.

"What's it look like to you? I'm here right? The place is clean as it's ever been and it's still the most boring part of this shithole you call a school" he replied bravely. _Woo, go Kai!_ "Carry on like speaking to me like that and I'll make sure your fine is increased dramatically. You should have been made to pay the full price for my Jaguar in the first place. Also, next time you set foot near my new car, you will go to jail, I'm getting a restraining order."

I pressed my lips together to hold back the laughter. What a dick! "You do that" Kai replied examining his nails as if he didn't have a care in the world. The teacher grunted and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Their argument reminded me of me and Mrs Lowing. She was prejudiced against me, the same way this teacher was to Kai. I knew how he felt.

It's stupid and unneeded but it sure as hell is obvious when a teacher picks on one particular student. It was horrible, getting in trouble by someone who hated you so. It was ten times worse then getting in trouble by anyone else.

I looked at Kai's face; he looked like he was trying to hold back a sad expression but he didn't fool me. I gave him a hug and told him it would be okay. The bell went and we both said goodbye and went to our lessons, I was sad to be leaving him but I was feeling quite good about myself as I walked into class.

It was history and we were learning about World War II and more specifically 'Hitler's motive for the holocaust' if it were me, I would have loads of perfectly good reasons for massacring stupid, prejudiced teachers. I laughed darkly to myself at the thought of killing Mrs Lowing and the teacher who hated Kai.

I realised I was thinking pretty insane thoughts so I stopped and tried to focus. Natsume was behind me and he tried to get my attention by coughing loudly. I didn't stir and then the teacher told him in no uncertain terms to "shut up" _ha-ha._

It was tempting to see what he wanted but I managed to resist. At the end of the lesson, I went to P.E a.k.a the__worst subject ever. _Physical education my arse! More like pointless exercise!_ It was awkward because I had to get changed in the toilets and some of the other guys called me stupid names like "poof" and "retard". They even tried to knock the door down.

To my amusement, they couldn't get it open. They obviously weren't as strong as they thought they were. I felt like being incredibly childish and saying "na na na na na" but I decided against it, it would only aggravate them more.

It took me a while to get into the kit but I managed it eventually. Now that I thought about it, a little while ago there had been a load of shouting and at least 19 different conversations, now the changing rooms were silent. The change startled me, what was going on? What if they knew?

I stepped out of the toilet and realised what had happened. Everyone had already gone over to the field. _Shit._

Wait… what am I saying? This is great! Now I don't have to endure football with a tonne of boys. I didn't even want to imagine what would have come of me if I did. Hmm…A whole hour to myself... What to do, what to do…

I decided to call Sanumi and Hotaru, I knew it was break time at my old school and I wanted to hear their voices. _Click, click click_.

"Hello?"

"Hey! It's Mikan" I said using my "girl voice"

"I know stupid, I've got caller ID"

"Oh…I knew that."

"Whatever"

"Put it on loudspeaker, I want to speak to you and Sanumi"

_Click_

"Hey!"

"Sanumi? What's wrong? Why are you so happy?

"Am I not allowed to be happy anymore?"

"No you are, I'm glad you are but why? What's brought this on? Tell me everything"

"Well..." she hesitated. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"You have my word"

"I think I'm in love"

"Oh my God! For real? Wow! I'm so happy for you! That's great news!"

I began whooping and jumping on the spot, not caring how stupid and childish it was. She was always so against dating…I wander what made her change her mind. I was thrilled for her.

I heard laughter on the other side of the phone. "So anyway…How's life as a boy?" Sanumi asked. "It's awesome, I'm learning to play the guitar and everything, the guys here are so nice…well most of them anyway"

"I'm proud of you Mikan, I never thought you'd last this long. We secretly made bets, I gave you three days. Hotaru gave you eleven minutes." My ears went into shock right after she said "I'm proud of you" I didn't care about the rest. She'd never said something like that to me.

I tried to remember the last time anyone had said something like that to me. My mind was blank. "Aww th.." "What the hell?" I heard a boy say as he came around the corner and stared at me. _Oh crap… _


	9. Happiness?

_Damn It, Busted! He knows, I'm going to be in so much trouble. Ah no, why? Why? I'm so dead. It was written all over his face that he knew. He looked disgusted. He knew everything._

_Or so I thought… _

I suddenly sat up. "You freak!"he yelled, seeming what could only be mistaken as fear? It didn't make sense.

"I thought there was something weird about you, I knew it! I knew, you weren't really a boy. That's why you're so soft. You're disgusting" he said spitting in my direction. "I'm sorry" I whispered. "Sorry? You are sick, you're a perv. You must have mental issues or something and at your age as well! That's just creepy!"

I didn't know what to say to that. "Why? Why do something so perverted?" he asked. _What the hell is his problem? It's not pervy…much. Is it?_

I began to think about it and the more I did, the more I realised he was right. What the hell was I thinking? I'm an awful person. "Changing you're you-knows for a you-know, I can't even say it. Have you come to perv on boys or what? Is that why you got a sex change?" he asked snarling the last two words and spitting at me again, this time actually hitting my face. He then began pacing as if trying to decide what to do with me.

A sex change? What the fuck is he on? I wandered but then I realised that this was better than admitting the truth. "Wait till everyone else finds out, we'll all kill you cos your scum!" he said lighting a cigarette. I hoped he was joking but I couldn't be sure. I was scared shitless. I had to tell him the truth.

"I didn't get a sex change, I'm a girl" I said pulling off the wig and shaking my hair into place. He stopped pacing for a second and stared at me with fascination. "Damn!" he said loudly. Then he wolf whistled. "I'd tap that!" he said. Then he shook his head at the irony of the situation.

"Tell you what, let's make an exchange" he said in a nicer voice. I knew I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear next. "I won't tell a soul, _if_ you do one teeny, tiny thing for me" he continued smiling. I gulped. "What do you want?" I asked terrified. He pulled my face closer to his. "You" he whispered, his lips inches from mine.

I froze in place. _NO NO NO!!! This can't be happening!_

He tried to kiss me. "No!" I yelled pushing him away. "Excuse me?" he asked "Would you rather be beaten to a pulp?" _Yes._ "No, but isn't there another way?" I asked. "There is now" he said grinning. "What?" "You, me at six. My place" he said winking at me. _What a bastard._

Oh, God help me! Thankfully, it wasn't far off. God had obviously sent one of his angels. Kai came into the room. "Kai?! What are you doing here?" I asked. "I could ask you both the same thing, I thought you were supposed to be doing some footy crap or something. I looked at the boy, who now was trying not to make eye contact with Kai. He must be famous throughout the school or something. "They asked me to clean the windows in the changing rooms" he explained, although he had no cleaning equipment with him. He snorted. "Fat chance!" He paused "...So anyway it's your turn now" he said directing the question at the boy. "You're Bob right? Randy's brother."

"Uhh...yeah" he replied trying to hide his fear but to no avail. "Is there a problem here?" Kai asked. "N-n-no" Bob stuttered. "That's funny," Kai said thoughtfully "I was sure I heard you blackmailing Zasuke. Hmm maybe, I'm just hearing stuff" Kain shrugged. Bob chuckled nervously "Yeah maybe…" he replied. BANG!

It all happened so fast; Kai ran up to Bob and grabbed him by the collar bashing him into the wall. "You asshole! Who do you think you are lying to me eh?" Kai growled angrily. I was really frightened; I'd never seen this side of Kai. Bob whimpered. "You breathe a word about Zasuke to ANYONE and you're dead. Hear me?" Kai screamed. "Yes" Bob said quietly. His face had gone an unhealthy, pale colour. I almost felt sorry for him. "What was that?" Kai asked menacingly. "Yes, I won't tell anyone" Bob said louder. "Good, I'm glad that's settled. Now get out before I kick your arse" said Kai shoving Bob to the ground.

He literally crawled out of the room, only to be whacked in the face by the door opened (or more exactly kicked down) by a tonne of sweaty guys. P.E was over then. _That was fun ( ! )_

"Are you okay?" Kai asked. "I'm fine" I replied. "Good, I'm out of here. See you at lunch" he called slamming the changing room doors behind him. _See ya._ I went back into the toilet to get changed back into my uniform. When I got out I accidentally trod on Bob's foot. I was sure he would start trouble but to my surprise, he didn't even so much as flinch.

_Wow; that felt good I wanna do it again!_ I had to force my feet to move away from Bob at the risk of seeing how far I could push him. The next two lessons went as normal. I didn't learn a thing and the teachers didn't bother trying to teach because frankly, none of the boys were going to listen even if they did. Natsume sat in the row in front of me; his face looked depressed and lonely. It reflected how I felt.

I really wanted to speak to him, I wanted to be with him but I knew he wouldn't want to be with me after ignoring everyone in his group. I stared at his eyes longingly. _Look at me, please. Look at me._ I said over and over in my head hoping somehow he could hear my thoughts. It didn't work.

Finally, when the lunch bell went, I went over to the library. Kai was there as usual and he greeted me with a big smile. I smiled back and gave him a big hug. "What was that for?" he asked hugging back. "For saving me earlier, I owe you big time!" I said letting go. "It was nothing" he shrugged slightly embarrassed.

"I was so scared! Did you hear what he said to me? All of it?" I asked. "You don't need to be scared of that stupid jerk. He won't bother you again don't worry and if he does…" he said punching the desk. "Woah, calm down, its fine! I stepped on his toe earlier and he didn't say a thing. I was tempted to see how much more damage I could do before he retaliated" I said. Kai laughed darkly. "What a dickhead."

"Let's just forget him" I said so he wouldn't get too mad. "Sounds good to me. So anyway how's things with Natsume and Robb?" he asked. "No change" I said quietly wishing we were still talking about Bob. "I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed without them."

"Look, I'm not really one of those people who talk about feelings and emotions, if you want that you should speak to Robb" he said. "Wait what?!" I asked. "What?" he asked obliviously. "You said speak to Robb, what's that supposed to mean?" I demanded. "It means speak to him, he's gay, he knows about that sort of stuff" he replied.

"I never told you he was gay."

"Yeah well umm…"

"What's going on Kai?! Tell me" I demanded. "You weren't supposed to know, I thought if I got you and Natsume together it would all be okay" he mumbled. "What are you talking about?" I asked trying not to raise my voice. "I didn't mean to lie to you" he said. "Kai just tell me already!" I shouted, unable to restrain myself for a second longer. "Natsume's my brother and when you heard him say he was gay he meant you not Robb, I've been trying to convince him that you do actually like him but he won't believe me. You need to speak to him" said Kai.

"Wait, what?" I asked trying to digest what he had just said. "He's in love with you. He's depressed because he thinks you don't like him and he only said he was gay because he was stupid enough to believe that you are actually a boy. Its painful watching him. Please, just speak to him." Kai said.

I could have exploded then. I was so angry. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?" I yelled pushing Kai backwards. I was glad to see he was man enough to take it. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. It was only until Robb came over yesterday and I overheard them talking about you. I'm sorry"

Then for some stupid reason, I began crying. I didn't understand why. I just fell to my knees and cried. He loved me all along. I'm so freaking stupid. All the wasted tears, all the hours spent moping over him. For nothing. I hated myself more than ever. "Hey, don't cry. Look its okay. Just talk to him. Get it sorted out." He said. I tried to stop crying but I couldn't.

"Hug?" he suggested bending down and wrapping his arms around me I hugged him back and I squeezed him tightly. It was the first time he voluntarily hugged me. I wanted to enjoy it. When we separated, Kai gave me a tissue. "Here, dry your eyes and then go rock his world!" he said giving me a pat on the back. I smiled and the tears had finally stopped falling. Once I had stopped sniffing I took off the wig and ran as fast as I could to the back of the science block, with Kai following behind me.

All eyes were on me as I ran through the corridors, down the stairs and through the field. I got a few whistles too. It all boosted my confidence and I didn't feel a bit self conscious. I actually found it quite amusing, watching all the confused face flash past me. Yeah it was fucking hilarious. I slowed down as I got to the doors of the back of the science block. I kicked them open, ran around the corner, went under the stairs and ran into Natsume's arms.

I gave him the kiss I'd been waiting to give him ever since I first met him on the bus. It felt amazing, at first he was confused but then he kissed back enthusiastically, passionately with a hint of longing and desperation. His warm tongue made it's way around the inside of my mouth.

I ignored all the jokes the boy's were making at out expense and continued kissing him. When, the kiss slowly ended, I looked around to see what looked like half the school watching. Corey and Kai started cheering and clapping and before long everyone else followed suit.

I laughed and hugged Natsume, holding him tightly in my arms. "I love you" I whispered into his ear. "I love you too" he replied pecking my forehead.

I looked through the crowd and my eyes met Robb's. He was pushing through the crowd, his eyes glistening. I was sure he was trying not to cry but it wasn't working. He had tears streaming down his face by the time he made it to the back of the crowd.

"Robb!" I called worried. He didn't look back. I tried to run after him but Natsume stopped me. "Leave him alone for a bit. I'll explain later" "I can't leave him" I replied but Natsume kept a firm grip on my arm. I didn't give it a second thought. I didn't have a chance; Natsume's lips met mine once again and all the worry melted away.

Life is sooo good.


	10. Mixed up

I went back to Natsume's house that evening with a few of the other guys but Robb was a no show. I suddenly started to get worried. I was sitting on Natsume's neatly presented bed, I watched him laugh and joke with the others. He looked beautiful and I really didn't want to disrupt him but I needed to know.

"Natsume?" "Yes?" he asked turning to face me. The whole room fell silent. "Can I speak to you outside?" I asked. "Sure" he said frowning, confused. "Ooh!" one of the boys called after us. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" another called. I rolled my eyes at them but smiled nonetheless.

"What's up?" he asked shutting the door so nobody could listen in. "What's wrong with Robb?" I asked. Natsume sighed, looking down at his shoes. He didn't say anything. "You promised to tell me" I reminded him. Natsume stared meaningfully into my eyes for a long time. "I don't know how you're gonna take this…" he began. He stopped, shook his head and grabbed my wrist, sitting me down on the softly carpeted floor.

"Are you sure you love me?" he asked. "Be honest" he added. "You know I do" I said. "Why? What's going on?" I asked. "Well, the thing is…Robb…He… He likes you and I do feel bad about being with you whilst knowing this, really I do. He's a great friend and when he first told me I had no idea you liked me so I thought I'd keep quiet and I thought you liked Robb anyway so I said to myself 'if it makes them both happy then whatever' but you came up to me and you kissed me and well… I gave in to my own selfish desire" he said.

I suddenly felt awful. "Will he ever speak to us again?" I asked trying not to cry. "He just needs time" Natsume said obviously trying to convince himself just as much as he was me. I was soothed a little by this and as Natsume put his arms around me I felt horribly guilty but I didn't want to dwell on it. I just hoped with all my might that he was right.

I suddenly smiled remembering something. "Did you really think you had turned gay?" I asked laughing. "Nah." He said. I looked at him doubtfully "Okay I guess I did" he said tickling me playfully. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. Some of the boys peeked through the door to see what was going on. One threw a pillow at Natsume. He was furious, I could see the rage in his eyes but I hit him with the pillow and before we knew it we all ended up having an incredibly childish pillow fight.

One of the pillows finally split and we collapsed, exhausted, onto the floor, surrounded by white feathers. I rested my head on Natsume's chest, listening to the pounding of his heart. I wanted to stay like this forever.

My phone began ringing. I was startled upwards "Hello?" I asked still laughing. "Hello Mikan?"

"Yes?"

"It's Emily, are you busy?"

_Oh God, Emily-Robb's mum-never calls me. I wasn't even aware she had my number. Something must have happened. _

I swallowed hard, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Is everything okay?" I asked nervously.

She hesitated. "There's been a bit of an accident, would you mind coming over to Kelsey Grove Hospital?"

"Why? Who's hurt? What happened?" I asked, chewing on the end of my nails.

"It's Robb" she said sobbing.

_No, no, no!_

"What?!? What's happened, God this is all my fault. I'm so very sorry. Truly I am" I said now sobbing.

"No, it's fine we don't blame you but I thought since you've been really close to Robb recently that you wouldn't mind coming to support him. He needs friends around him. He's been a bit depressed…"

"Why is he in hospital Emily?" I almost shouted out of nervousness.

"He…He…put a blade to his wrists, don't be too worried, the doctors say he will be fine. He's still unconscious but…" her voice cracked.

"Do you have any idea why he would do this? Is it me? Has he said anything to you?" she asked.

"No, no. It's not you it's me. It's all my fault. Oh God I am so sorry. I'm coming over right now, please don't be mad at me"

She sighed impatiently.

"It's okay, I'm not mad at you and nobody is blaming you. You shouldn't blame yourself; it's not going to help anyone. See you in a bit" she said hanging up, so I couldn't argue with her. She knew me well enough by now to know I never give up in an argument.

"I've got to go" I said to Natsume, the tears streaming out of my eyes seemed to be never-ending. "What's wrong?" He asked worried. "Nothing" I replied automatically. "I'm not letting you leave alone in this state, I'll come too" he said putting his jacket on. "I don't have time to argue with you" I said irritated. "Then don't" he said making his way out of the door.

_Wow, he's more stubborn than I am!_ He let me lead him down to the bus stop and as we waited, I explained to him what was going on. It was almost pitch black outside but with Natsume I felt safe. I knew my mum would worry but I didn't bother calling, knowing if I did she would make me go home and wait until tomorrow to see Robb.

"This is not your fault" he said shaking his head. "Then who's is it?!?" I yelled at him. "It's nobody's fault, Robb is just being a bit of a drama queen. He's over-reacting" Natsume said calmly. "How can you say that?!" I said almost screaming, "He was one of your best friends he…" I began. "He still is" Natsume interrupted, as the bus finally arrived. Natsume held my hand "you just need to calm down okay? Everything will be fine" he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

The bus journey was silent, I couldn't stop myself from worrying, my arms and legs were shaking. I sat through the whole journey trying to work out what I was going to say to Robb. Natsume had his arm around me the whole time but even he, was uncharacteristically quiet.

The bus ride seemed to take forever, when we finally got to the hospital, I couldn't seem to make my legs move. I didn't want to see what lurked inside. Robb had always been so down-to-earth, so strong. I wouldn't be able to take seeing him in such a vulnerable state.

"Come on" Natsume said, pushing me forward. "I don't know if I want to" I mumbled. He squeezed my hand encouragingly "Sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do, Robb is in there and he needs us. Do it for him" he said. I couldn't say no to that.

We went inside the big, white building. Natsume asked for directions at the information desk while I held onto his hand and dug my face into his jacket. I didn't want to look around; I hated hospitals, everything down to the horrible, sickly smell. I stayed by Natsume's side while we took the elevator and went across endless corridors.

From the edge of my vision, I was aware of rows of beds, each surrounded by a plethora of bleeping, sucking, humming machines. At the centre of each, a human being, hovering on the brink of life.

It took me a while to notice that Natsume had stopped. He was waiting outside a closed curtain, he didn't go in. I looked at his face, he looked a little nervous. When he realised I was looking he faked a smile at me and went inside. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to walk right back out. It was highly tempting to leave, but Natsume's words had stuck with me 'he needs us.'

The first thing I noticed, was a shock of brown hair, it was messy and all over the place, unlike it's usual, careful organisation-straight all over and spiky from the top down to the sides. His skin was shockingly white and it made a startling contrast against his dark hair. His lips were spread out wide to accommodate a large, plastic contraption around his mouth. There were tubes up his nose. His left arm was covered in a crisscrossing of surgical tape. Even through all the white tape however, I could see the blood red stains seeping through. He must have cut himself really badly.

I sat on the side of his bed, perching myself gingerly, muscles clenched, terrified of hurting Robb or somehow dislodging the tubes. I gently touched his brittle face. His skin was warm, or maybe it was just me who was cold, either way, I could feel his pain radiating onto me.

I stared at his lifeless face. His eyes look as if the have been stuck down. There are purple bruises beneath them. The plastic tube in his mouth makes him look like he is pulling a face. For once crazy moment, I expected him to jump up and say 'ha-ha got you!'

I noticed Emily in the corner, watching me. She was sniffing and her eyes were puffy and red. I reckon she was trying to stay strong so as not to scare everyone but her expressionless face was more unnerving than a face of fear, or worry.

"Can he hear us?" I asked. She couldn't manage to speak but she shrugged, barely noticeably. I couldn't see how he could possibly hear anything; his face was like a waxwork.

I suddenly realised that the body and the person and were two different things. Two different entities somehow fused. The body is the one I was looking at now, attached to all of those machines, the heart still struggling to pump, the lungs struggling to breathe, valiantly fighting to stay alive.

The person is another being entirely, the perpetrator of this crime, the one who ruthlessly cut the wrist, its own flesh, probably hoping to destroy itself for good. The person tried to kill itself, its own body. I understand for the first time why suicide used to be an imprisonable offence. It is, after all, attempted murder-the person against the body.

_Look what you've done to yourself! _I want to shout._ How could you be so cruel? Your body doesn't deserve to be harmed like this-cut up and then stuck with needles and fed with tubes!_

"Robb?" I whispered unsteadily but softly. That did it for Emily. Her face was in her hands and she ran through the curtains wailing uncontrollably. I thought about going after her but I didn't know what to say. How could anything I say make this any better? She would hate me as soon as she found out it was all my fault. I felt horribly guilty. Luckily, I didn't have to, Natsume went after her.

She and Robb had always been really close, after his parents divorced, his mum quit her job and ever since, they've spent a lot of time together. They didn't act like parent and child, they acted like _friends._ I sometimes envied his relationship with his mum, I loved my mum-sure but we never spent much time together, she was always busy with something more important than me.

I felt a silent tear roll down my face. I sang a song to him, it was a song he had written a while ago called 'letting go' it was a beautiful song, my voice didn't do it justice. When I'd sung the final line said "Robb, please wake up" begging him, louder than I thought I could manage. Not a flicker. I searched under the sheet for his hand; I held onto it and squeezed gently. I was sure I felt him squeeze back.

I jumped up excited, shaking him vigorously "Robb? Robb wake up!" "Whoa! What are you doing?!?" Natsume asked walking back into the room. "He's conscious; he squeezed my hand I know he did. I know it!" Natsume put his hand on my shoulder gently "It's probably just your imagination, please calm down. You don't want to get us kicked out do you?" he asked softly.

I glared at him but I knew he was right. I reassumed my position, and held onto Robb's hand. Natsume stepped forwards; he knelt down by Robb's face "hey mate, if you can hear me, wake up. You got better things to do then lay in bed all day right, dude?" he asked. Nothing. I shook my head in disbelief, I was horrified. "What's wrong?" Natsume asked me. I sniffed, "I just hate seeing him like this" I replied. He gave me a big hug, "we all do" he said, "We all do…"

I wanted to stay at the hospital overnight but the nurses told me to go home. "No! I'm not leaving, he's my best friend!" I screamed. "We're sorry but you must leave, it's not fair on the other patients and I'm sure your mother would want you home" the nurse said patiently. "I'm sorry" I whispered to Robb as I backed slowly away from his bed. "I want you to call me as soon as anything changes, okay?" I said to the nurse, scribbling down my mobile number onto the back of an old receipt I found in my pocket. She smiled at me, "you are so grown up for your age, you know." "Umm…Thanks" I replied walking away before I changed my mind about leaving.

Natsume wasn't far behind "Emily's staying the night" he said to me as I stormed my way out of the hospital, I didn't know exactly where I was going I just followed my instinct. He grabbed my arm, "this way!" he said dragging me off to the left.

We waited for another bus; it was the night bus this time. The streets were pitch black and I couldn't see where I was going, Natsume seemed to be able to see so I held onto his and followed him.

I switched my phone on in case one of the nurses called. I had 9 missed calls from my mum. "Can I stay at yours tonight?" I asked. "Umm…sure, I guess" he said putting his arm around me. _This is gonna be a long night._


	11. Ignorance is bliss

I went back to Natsume's house that evening with a few of the other guys but Robb was a no show. I suddenly started to get worried. I was sitting on Natsume's neatly presented bed, I watched him laugh and joke with the others. He looked beautiful and I really didn't want to disrupt him but I needed to know.

"Natsume?" "Yes?" he asked turning to face me. The whole room fell silent. "Can I speak to you outside?" I asked. "Sure" he said frowning, confused. "Ooh!" one of the boys called after us. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" another called. I rolled my eyes at them but smiled nonetheless.

"What's up?" he asked shutting the door so nobody could listen in. "What's wrong with Robb?" I asked. Natsume sighed, looking down at his shoes. He didn't say anything. "You promised to tell me" I reminded him. Natsume stared meaningfully into my eyes for a long time. "I don't know how you're gonna take this…" he began. He stopped, shook his head and grabbed my wrist, sitting me down on the softly carpeted floor.

"Are you sure you love me?" he asked. "Be honest" he added. "You know I do" I said. "Why? What's going on?" I asked. "Well, the thing is…Robb…He… He likes you and I do feel bad about being with you whilst knowing this, really I do. He's a great friend and when he first told me I had no idea you liked me so I thought I'd keep quiet and I thought you liked Robb anyway so I said to myself 'if it makes them both happy then whatever' but you came up to me and you kissed me and well… I gave in to my own selfish desire" he said.

I suddenly felt awful. "Will he ever speak to us again?" I asked trying not to cry. "He just needs time" Natsume said obviously trying to convince himself just as much as he was me. I was soothed a little by this and as Natsume put his arms around me I felt horribly guilty but I didn't want to dwell on it. I just hoped with all my might that he was right.

I suddenly smiled remembering something. "Did you really think you had turned gay?" I asked laughing. "Nah." He said. I looked at him doubtfully "Okay I guess I did" he said tickling me playfully. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. Some of the boys peeked through the door to see what was going on. One threw a pillow at Natsume. He was furious, I could see the rage in his eyes but I hit him with the pillow and before we knew it we all ended up having an incredibly childish pillow fight.

One of the pillows finally split and we collapsed, exhausted, onto the floor, surrounded by white feathers. I rested my head on Natsume's chest, listening to the pounding of his heart. I wanted to stay like this forever.

My phone began ringing. I was startled upwards "Hello?" I asked still laughing. "Hello Mikan?"

"Yes?"

"It's Emily, are you busy?"

_Oh God, Emily-Robb's mum-never calls me. I wasn't even aware she had my number. Something must have happened. _

I swallowed hard, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Is everything okay?" I asked nervously.

She hesitated. "There's been a bit of an accident, would you mind coming over to Kelsey Grove Hospital?"

"Why? Who's hurt? What happened?" I asked, chewing on the end of my nails.

"It's Robb" she said sobbing.

_No, no, no!_

"What?!? What's happened, God this is all my fault. I'm so very sorry. Truly I am" I said now sobbing.

"No, it's fine we don't blame you but I thought since you've been really close to Robb recently that you wouldn't mind coming to support him. He needs friends around him. He's been a bit depressed…"

"Why is he in hospital Emily?" I almost shouted out of nervousness.

"He…He…put a blade to his wrists, don't be too worried, the doctors say he will be fine. He's still unconscious but…" her voice cracked.

"Do you have any idea why he would do this? Is it me? Has he said anything to you?" she asked.

"No, no. It's not you it's me. It's all my fault. Oh God I am so sorry. I'm coming over right now, please don't be mad at me"

She sighed impatiently.

"It's okay, I'm not mad at you and nobody is blaming you. You shouldn't blame yourself; it's not going to help anyone. See you in a bit" she said hanging up, so I couldn't argue with her. She knew me well enough by now to know I never give up in an argument.

"I've got to go" I said to Natsume, the tears streaming out of my eyes seemed to be never-ending. "What's wrong?" He asked worried. "Nothing" I replied automatically. "I'm not letting you leave alone in this state, I'll come too" he said putting his jacket on. "I don't have time to argue with you" I said irritated. "Then don't" he said making his way out of the door.

_Wow, he's more stubborn than I am!_ He let me lead him down to the bus stop and as we waited, I explained to him what was going on. It was almost pitch black outside but with Natsume I felt safe. I knew my mum would worry but I didn't bother calling, knowing if I did she would make me go home and wait until tomorrow to see Robb.

"This is not your fault" he said shaking his head. "Then who's is it?!?" I yelled at him. "It's nobody's fault, Robb is just being a bit of a drama queen. He's over-reacting" Natsume said calmly. "How can you say that?!" I said almost screaming, "He was one of your best friends he…" I began. "He still is" Natsume interrupted, as the bus finally arrived. Natsume held my hand "you just need to calm down okay? Everything will be fine" he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

The bus journey was silent, I couldn't stop myself from worrying, my arms and legs were shaking. I sat through the whole journey trying to work out what I was going to say to Robb. Natsume had his arm around me the whole time but even he, was uncharacteristically quiet.

The bus ride seemed to take forever, when we finally got to the hospital, I couldn't seem to make my legs move. I didn't want to see what lurked inside. Robb had always been so down-to-earth, so strong. I wouldn't be able to take seeing him in such a vulnerable state.

"Come on" Natsume said, pushing me forward. "I don't know if I want to" I mumbled. He squeezed my hand encouragingly "Sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do, Robb is in there and he needs us. Do it for him" he said. I couldn't say no to that.

We went inside the big, white building. Natsume asked for directions at the information desk while I held onto his hand and dug my face into his jacket. I didn't want to look around; I hated hospitals, everything down to the horrible, sickly smell. I stayed by Natsume's side while we took the elevator and went across endless corridors.

From the edge of my vision, I was aware of rows of beds, each surrounded by a plethora of bleeping, sucking, humming machines. At the centre of each, a human being, hovering on the brink of life.

It took me a while to notice that Natsume had stopped. He was waiting outside a closed curtain, he didn't go in. I looked at his face, he looked a little nervous. When he realised I was looking he faked a smile at me and went inside. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to walk right back out. It was highly tempting to leave, but Natsume's words had stuck with me 'he needs us.'

The first thing I noticed, was a shock of brown hair, it was messy and all over the place, unlike it's usual, careful organisation-straight all over and spiky from the top down to the sides. His skin was shockingly white and it made a startling contrast against his dark hair. His lips were spread out wide to accommodate a large, plastic contraption around his mouth. There were tubes up his nose. His left arm was covered in a crisscrossing of surgical tape. Even through all the white tape however, I could see the blood red stains seeping through. He must have cut himself really badly.

I sat on the side of his bed, perching myself gingerly, muscles clenched, terrified of hurting Robb or somehow dislodging the tubes. I gently touched his brittle face. His skin was warm, or maybe it was just me who was cold, either way, I could feel his pain radiating onto me.

I stared at his lifeless face. His eyes look as if the have been stuck down. There are purple bruises beneath them. The plastic tube in his mouth makes him look like he is pulling a face. For once crazy moment, I expected him to jump up and say 'ha-ha got you!'

I noticed Emily in the corner, watching me. She was sniffing and her eyes were puffy and red. I reckon she was trying to stay strong so as not to scare everyone but her expressionless face was more unnerving than a face of fear, or worry.

"Can he hear us?" I asked. She couldn't manage to speak but she shrugged, barely noticeably. I couldn't see how he could possibly hear anything; his face was like a waxwork.

I suddenly realised that the body and the person and were two different things. Two different entities somehow fused. The body is the one I was looking at now, attached to all of those machines, the heart still struggling to pump, the lungs struggling to breathe, valiantly fighting to stay alive.

The person is another being entirely, the perpetrator of this crime, the one who ruthlessly cut the wrist, its own flesh, probably hoping to destroy itself for good. The person tried to kill itself, its own body. I understand for the first time why suicide used to be an imprisonable offence. It is, after all, attempted murder-the person against the body.

_Look what you've done to yourself! _I want to shout._ How could you be so cruel? Your body doesn't deserve to be harmed like this-cut up and then stuck with needles and fed with tubes!_

"Robb?" I whispered unsteadily but softly. That did it for Emily. Her face was in her hands and she ran through the curtains wailing uncontrollably. I thought about going after her but I didn't know what to say. How could anything I say make this any better? She would hate me as soon as she found out it was all my fault. I felt horribly guilty. Luckily, I didn't have to, Natsume went after her.

She and Robb had always been really close, after his parents divorced, his mum quit her job and ever since, they've spent a lot of time together. They didn't act like parent and child, they acted like _friends._ I sometimes envied his relationship with his mum, I loved my mum-sure but we never spent much time together, she was always busy with something more important than me.

I felt a silent tear roll down my face. I sang a song to him, it was a song he had written a while ago called 'letting go' it was a beautiful song, my voice didn't do it justice. When I'd sung the final line said "Robb, please wake up" begging him, louder than I thought I could manage. Not a flicker. I searched under the sheet for his hand; I held onto it and squeezed gently. I was sure I felt him squeeze back.

I jumped up excited, shaking him vigorously "Robb? Robb wake up!" "Whoa! What are you doing?!?" Natsume asked walking back into the room. "He's conscious; he squeezed my hand I know he did. I know it!" Natsume put his hand on my shoulder gently "It's probably just your imagination, please calm down. You don't want to get us kicked out do you?" he asked softly.

I glared at him but I knew he was right. I reassumed my position, and held onto Robb's hand. Natsume stepped forwards; he knelt down by Robb's face "hey mate, if you can hear me, wake up. You got better things to do then lay in bed all day right, dude?" he asked. Nothing. I shook my head in disbelief, I was horrified. "What's wrong?" Natsume asked me. I sniffed, "I just hate seeing him like this" I replied. He gave me a big hug, "we all do" he said, "We all do…"

I wanted to stay at the hospital overnight but the nurses told me to go home. "No! I'm not leaving, he's my best friend!" I screamed. "We're sorry but you must leave, it's not fair on the other patients and I'm sure your mother would want you home" the nurse said patiently. "I'm sorry" I whispered to Robb as I backed slowly away from his bed. "I want you to call me as soon as anything changes, okay?" I said to the nurse, scribbling down my mobile number onto the back of an old receipt I found in my pocket. She smiled at me, "you are so grown up for your age, you know." "Umm…Thanks" I replied walking away before I changed my mind about leaving.

Natsume wasn't far behind "Emily's staying the night" he said to me as I stormed my way out of the hospital, I didn't know exactly where I was going I just followed my instinct. He grabbed my arm, "this way!" he said dragging me off to the left.

We waited for another bus; it was the night bus this time. The streets were pitch black and I couldn't see where I was going, Natsume seemed to be able to see so I held onto his and followed him.

I switched my phone on in case one of the nurses called. I had 9 missed calls from my mum. "Can I stay at yours tonight?" I asked. "Umm…sure, I guess" he said putting his arm around me. _This is gonna be a long night._


	12. Explanations

I didn't get a wink of sleep. I was too worried about Robb. At first, I tried to sleep but I couldn't so I gave up and lay in Natsume's spare room staring at my phone and willing it to ring. I think it was about 11:00am when my phone finally began ringing, I answered it without even thinking.

"Hello?" I asked. "Hello, this is Sandra Frehley, from Kelsey Grove Hospital, we met yesterday" I felt my eyes widening. "Is it Robb? Is he okay now?" I asked. "He's conscious and he is starting to speak" she said "can I come and see him?" I asked. "Sure" she said. "Okay thanks for calling, I'm on my way. Bye" I hung up before she could even say goodbye back.

Natsume hadn't spoken to me all day, I heard him get up earlier but he didn't come in. "Natsume?" I called rushing out of the door. "Yeah?" he yelled back from downstairs, I ran down them, skipping a few as I went and almost tripping over myself. "Woah! We don't need two people in hospital!" he said catching me effortlessly.

I managed a fake smile, it wasn't very impressive. He frowned, "wasn't that the hospital on the phone?" he asked. "How did you hear from all the way down here?" I asked. He didn't say a word. "Whatever. They said Robb's okay now and we can go and see him, he's even speaking now" I said. "You don't sound very excited" Natsume pointed out.

I breathed heavily. "I don't know what to expect. What if he's still depressed or mad at me or something?" I asked. "Well, there's only one way to find out" said Natsume, going upstairs to his room.

"I'm going to get changed, I won't take long" he said. "Wait, what am I going to wear?" I asked realising I hadn't expected to stay the night. "You can borrow something of mine" he said chuckling almost hysterically. I slapped his arm and glared at him. "Come on, let's get you changed" he said happily. "God do you guys have to be so loud?" Kai said massaging his temples as he walked out of his room. "Sorry" I said glaring at Natsume again.

Natsume's closet was giant and covered with piles of clothes, stacked messily one on top of the other. He pulled out a shirt and a small pair of jeans, "this will have to do" he said obviously enjoying this. "I hate you" I said melodramatically. He laughed, "I love you too babe" and blew me a kiss. _Grr!_

I went back into the spare room to get changed, the shirt was horribly baggy on me and the jean legs were too long but I had no choice. I stayed in the room staring at the mirror in disgust. I looked horribly tired and my hair was a mess. If Natsume didn't know any better I was sure he would mistake me for a homeless person.

"Ready?" Natsume asked knocking on my door. "No" I replied, still attacking my hair with my brush, trying to make it look somewhat tidy. He came in anyway, "you look fine" he said taking the brush out of my hands and dragging me out of the room. "You're just saying that" I said annoyed. "Maybe, but doesn't mean I don't mean it" he said poking my nose.

We went downstairs and as Natsume quickly told his mum where we were going, I peeked through the dining room door and watched Kai eat his breakfast. When he noticed me he raised his eyebrows "Lookin' good" he said laughing. "No need to be sarcastic" I said slightly pissed off. "No really, you look kinda hot, like you haven't even tried to look good at all. You look messy, but in a good way" he said. I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not, I glared at him nonetheless.

I was sure that if I carried on this way that my eyes would be permanently glued to each other. "Come on, time to go" said Natsume interrupting my little glare-fest.

The bus ride happened all too fast. I was dreading seeing Robb again, what if he would never be the same again? Would he always be that waxwork-like boy I saw in the hospital bed? If he was I wasn't sure I wanted to see him but I knew I owed him that much, I just needed to apologise and I needed to know why he did it. It couldn't have been all because of me, it must have been something else too and he was my best friend. Whatever it was that was upsetting him, I wanted to be able to help.

We followed the familiar path in the hospital and went through all of the sick people lying in bed. I stopped outside Robb's curtain, not wanting to see what lay inside. Natsume gave me a look which told me more than words could ever say. I went inside, luckily Robb was looking a little better, and he was sitting up and having a conversation with Emily. He was even smiling but when he saw my face, his smile faded and he sat back.

Emily looked at me apologetically. "Can I speak to him?" I asked her. She nodded and stepped outside. "Natsume" I said nodding to the curtains, he gave me a quick smile for confidence and disappeared through the curtains. I could hear him making small talk with Emily.

"Hi" I said to Robb uncertainly. He sighed. "What are you doing here?" he asked. This wasn't the answer I was hoping for but I guess it was the answer I deserved. I tried not to cry, but the tears were filling up in my eyes and I couldn't help it. "I'm sorry, come here" he said extending his arms out to me. I let him hug me as I cried. I forced myself to calm down and I looked him in the eyes.

"There's something I want to ask you" his arms dropped, his eyes looked wary, almost scared. The look on his face nearly forced me back but I kept pushing to get the words out. I needed to know. I would never be able to put it behind me if I didn't know and I knew if I didn't ask now, I would be too afraid to ask later.

He is gnawing on his lip; I know what that means and I want to retreat, retract. "I need to know why." The colour had risen to his cheeks and his discomfort was palpable. He looked down at his knees, the colour still high in his cheeks, and I can see the rapid rise and fall of his chest beneath his shirt, I want to reach out, touch him, and say that it's OK, but I can't. "You know why, it's exactly what you're thinking. That is…if Natsume told you?" Robb said quietly. I nodded guiltily.

"You're still my best friend in the whole world and I love you, didn't you even think about what would have happened to me, if you succeeded? What it would have done to me?" I asked trying to suppress the tears. "No" he said in barely a whisper. He didn't look up, couldn't look me in the eyes. "All those people who love you, what would we do without you? We don't want to lose you" I said trying to hug him. He shrugged me off.

"Why didn't you think about everyone else?" I asked, the words quivering infuriatingly. My voice was shaky, the words catching in my throat. It took him a while to reply. I had a feeling he wouldn't answer but to my surprise he opened his mouth, trying to find the right words.

"Because- because when you feel that bad, that low, you stop caring, about everything and everyone. You can only think of yourself" his voice sounded hoarse, hesitant and barely audible. I counted his breaths, _seven, eight nine…_He had to force the words out. "The pain is so strong it… it takes over you. There isn't any way to stop it. All you can think about is the pain, and everything else gets pushed aside. You just want it to stop; you'd do anything to make it stop. Anything." He looked at me, as if imploring me to understand and I realise with a shock that he is close to tears.

He chewed savagely on his bottom lip, not daring to look at me. "What does it feel like?" I asked softly. He shook his head. "You don't want to know-" "God Robb, I love you" I said, my voice cracking. "Of course I want to know" I said swallowing hard, trying to suppress the rising ball of pain in my throat. I sighed.

"It's just this pain, this unbearable mental pain- often it's your body too and every part of you hurts. You don't really care about the physical pain though, it's your mind.

Every thought hurts like hell. Everything you see is awful, twisted, pointless. And the worst part is yourself. You realise you are the most ghastly person of all because it is all your fault, without you there would be no problem. It makes you feel like the most hideous person in the world, inside and out. You just want to escape, get rid of yourself, of your suffering, of the pain inside your head. A-and d-d-death is the only option because… because you've been through this over and over in your head.

Thought after thought of trying to change yourself. It's pointless because no matter how hard you try, it always leads back t-t-to the fact you want to commit s-suicide. It's the only way. You just d-don't want to be alive-" he breaks off, turning away suddenly, pressing his fingers to his eyes to stop the tears. I cried, the tears rushing down my face.

I stare at the back of his head. My eyes sting, my throat aches. I _want _to hear this, I _want_ to understand, but at the same time it hurts, on so many different levels. It hurts to hear that he can reach a place where he doesn't care about anyone anymore, doesn't care about damaging me so much I may never recover.

It also hurts to hear him say it, to hear him verbalise even in the most simplistic terms the agony he was going through, has been going through, time and time again while I was blissfully unaware.

I moved towards him to try to touch him but he holds out his good arm to keep me at bay. "Robb…" "I-I'm okay" he said. I clench my teeth together, wincing against the tidal wave of sobs that threatened to engulf me.

"Mikan?" Natsume called poking his head through the curtain. I walked out to meet him. "Can we go?" I asked, my voice uneven. "Just let me have a quick word with him" he replied, going in before I had a chance to stop him.

Emily approached me and put her arm around my shoulder, neither of us said a thing but it was quite comforting.

When Natsume walked out he looked strangely casual, he nodded at Emily and we left. "What did you say to him?" I asked concerned. "I just made sure he was cool with things and he says he doesn't blame either of us, he wants us to be happy" said Natsume. I could have cried of guilt, my heart felt like it was bleeding on the spot. The most horrible thing was though; I knew this was just a fraction of the pain Robb was feeling. It must be so hard on him.

As of that moment, I made Robb my personal hero and idol. He was so strong, so collected and unselfish. I aspired to be like that one day.


	13. The end

A:N/ This last chapter is from Robb's point of view. Enjoy and review! x /A:N

"Are you okay?" my mum asked. "Yes, yes yes!! You've been asking me that none stop all fucking day! Just stop please!" I snapped, not looking away from the window. "I'm sorry" she mumbled quietly. "Wait, I didn't mean to shout, look, go home, I'll be fine for a few hours. Have a bath or something, treat yourself" I said trying t get rid of her. "Well, I do need to wash…Are you sure you'll be okay?" she asked doubtfully. "Yeah, I'll be fine, and if I'm not I'll just call a nurse. Trust me mum" I said.

"Okay, I'll be back in a few hours…" she said still sounded a little unconvinced. I forced a smile and she smiled back, leaving through the curtain.

As soon as she left I turned from the window and sank slowly to a sitting position against the wall. _OK, OK, calm down. It's going to be all right. Mikan might still come back…_ I tell myself. Except she isn't, she doesn't love me, she loves Natsume. I am going to die, I realise. I am really going to die. I put my hands over my face and start to sob. I feel like I am slowly, carefully, being ripped in two.

This pain is worse than anything imaginable, worse than the deepest depression. I can hardly breathe with the strength of it. I feel sure that pain of this intensity cannot be sustained: any minute I will pass out. But I don't, and the pain keeps on growing, fresh waves of undiluted agony.

I was sobbing so hard I could hardly draw breath. My lungs felt as if they were ready to burst and the grasping, retching noises made me sound as if I was suffocating.

Fear coursed through my veins, fear and pain, in equal doses. _She has to some back. _I cannot live without her. I cannot and I _will_ not. This is what they mean by dying of a broken heart. It is actually possible. I lay down on the cold ground, wanting to knock myself out. The sobs racked my body as if I was being brutally shaken. Every muscle ached with exhaustion and soon, the carpet, my hands, my face, my shirtsleeves-everything was soaked.

I tormented myself with thoughts of Mikan, thoughts of never being able to feel her soft lips, never being able to touch her, talk to her… I gained a strange, savage, satisfaction from it. I wanted to hurt myself more, stab myself in the wound, and break down my horrible, pathetic self. I sank my teeth into the side of my hand and bit down as hard as I could. I could taste blood.

But the physical pain didn't even begin to dent the mental one. I cry until I can barely move. I dragged my aching self over to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water at a wasted attempt to stop the tears.

I stare into the mirror at my reflection, I glared in disgust. I really looked at myself for the first time and I realised really, just how pathetic I was. Mikan was in love with Natsume, what right did I have to interfere? It had nothing to do with me. I should just let her be happy, and then I feel an epiphany hit me where it hurts.

_The only way she will ever be happy is without me, she won't have to live with the guilt if I wasn't there. I had to get out of her way; out of Natsume's way because no matter what happened, they were still my best friends._ I finally realised what I had to do. Now, with my head clear, I wrote a letter to Mikan:

My dearest Mikan,

I will not cry anymore, I will not cry and I don't want you to cry either. I _want_ you to be happy with Natsume. When you sung 'letting go' I felt my heart melting, you sang it so beautifully, my love. Perhaps I hoped you would be a mess, perhaps I hoped you would be a wreck. But when you sung it, I realised that I should be the one singing, I should be the one 'letting go.' I knew what I had to do to make you happy. I realised the answer had been there the whole time.

They say that if you really love someone, you should be willing to set them free. So that is what I am doing. I will step back and let you go. I will go and live in London. I will watch you from a distance, watch you succeed in whatever you do. And without me, you will.

My lovely Mikan, my beautiful Mikan. Your happiness means everything to me. My last request to you is that you be happy in whatever you do. I will listen for your voice in the distance; I will keep you in my pocket. I will carry you smile with me everywhere like a warm and comforting glow.

_Love, Robb x_


End file.
